I love my kids, BUT. . . .

"Schoolhouse Rock" was one of mine and my husband's favorite educational past times.  Bob Dorough, writer for "Schoolhosue Rock," was a genius when he put educational factoids to quirky music and cute cartoons.  From the preamble to the Constitution, to parts of speech, multiplication facts, how electricity works, and much more, Mr. Dorough slyly disguised learning and actually made it fun!

Like all good parents, we passed this educational relic on to our kids.  One of our favorite songs from "Schoolhouse Rock" is without a doubt "Conjunction Junction."  Its jazzy rhythm easily gets stuck in your head for the rest of your day (sorry in advance!).  This song teaches how conjunctions mechanically work in a sentence and what their purpose is.  The conjunction 'BUT' is one that we use all the time to connect two sentences or a clause to a sentence.

"I like pizza, BUT I don't like olives on it."

"I want to go to the movies, BUT I can't go today."

"I wish I had a million dollars, BUT I don't."

You get the idea.  However, the use of this conjunction in the following statements might cause some concern, but read them with an open mind.

"I love my kids, BUT they are not my everything."

"I love my kids, BUT I cannot be their everything."

When I first became a mom, I completely understood the statement that choosing to have kids is choosing to have your heart walk around outside of your body forever.  The amount of love that is birthed whenever you see your child for the first time face to face is indescribable.  I kept thinking, 

"Wow! And to think that God loves me even more than this."

There was a sense of self-worth that came from knowing that my children depended on me for so much:  security, care, nourishment, and eventually their education as a homeschool mom. My identity began to be tied to my kids' need for me.  Notice what began to happen -- my kids became a form of idolatry in my life.  That's when I realized that I loved them immensely, BUT they could not be my everything.

When our kids are our everything, it's inevitable that other relationships in our lives go lacking.  As a believer in God's prescription for a biblically-based home, I knew that my relationship with my husband had to take priority over all other relationships in the home.  There is a lot of give and take in this area, especially when infants and young children are involved.  Date nights and quality time look a little differently than it does during the teenage years, but they are still to be prioritized.  

I had to make intentional strides to focus my thoughts on people other than my children and on other areas of my life where God was pursuing a relationship with me.  I had to take captive egotistical thoughts of how much my kids needed me and realize that I was supposed to be pointing them to their need for Christ, not me. 

You might be reading this and thinking this all sounds heartless and insensitive.  You might be thinking, 

"How can you say all of this when just a few short years ago you had a child on the brink of death?" 

What allows me to say this is that a fellow cancer mom shone such a bright light on the mire of my heart prior to Camron's diagnosis.  She poignantly reminded me and other moms that our children are not ours, but are merely on loan to us.  It was that staggering word of wisdom that allowed me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my child and trust that Camron was God's first.

Likewise, I realized that I loved my kids, BUT I could not be their everything.  When they were five, I wanted them to know the independence of tying their own shoes and dressing themselves.  When they were ten, I wanted them to feel the satisfaction of sitting down at the table and completing their homework without my constant intervention.  And now that I have a sixteen year old, I want him to understand the great responsibility of holding a set of keys in his hand and the opportunities to make good choices without mom or dad being present.

But as I alluded to earlier, the greatest desire of my heart is that I get out of the way and point them to their need for Jesus to be their everything.  While it puffs me up to be needed, and while I desire to be an ongoing and respected voice of wisdom in their lives, I want their heart to be more tightly intertwined to His heart than to mine.  

He's their Savior, not me.

Notice Jesus' words from the classic passage on the Vine and the branches:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

Notice that He instructs us to find our identity in Him and no one else.  This verse applies to our kids, too.  They are to remain centered on Him.  He is to have first place in their hearts.  Not mom. Not dad. Not anyone but Christ.

What areas of your heart and home need to be examined?

Do you need to re-prioritize your relationship with your spouse?

Do you need to place Christ back in His proper place of being the source from which every other relationship flows?

Do you need to ask for divine help in keeping your relationship with your kids in a healthy and proper perspective?

Do you need to begin modeling in front of the people (big and little people) in your home what total dependance on Christ looks like?


Take some time to reflect and pray about areas of your life that might be out of balance.  And if you're like me, you'll need to do this frequently.  We're all a work in progress!