"Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger witheld his compassion?" Psalm 77:9
Have you ever laid the law down with God? You know . . . tell God what He really shouldn't dare do or allow to happen. Perhaps you are way more spiritual than I am, but in an effort to be transparent and honest, I have to admit that I have told God exactly what was fair game in my life and what was off limits.
In 2012, when I thought we had faced the worst year imaginable after enduring two miscarriages -- one at 18 weeks gestation -- I reasoned with God that losing a child that I had never held in my arms was such a devastating experience, so certainly my two healthy, life-filled children were my reminder to be grateful for what He had already blessed me with. Certainly we wouldn't be required to face anything worse than a broken bone or typical childhood illness with them. Certainly God would see that our perseverance through such pain deserved some sort of reward in the form of health and longevity for our two living children.
God, did you forget that deal we had?
God, did you forget to be merciful?
God . . . Why?
Those are questions that I have actually asked God. I felt like I had no other choice but to get completely raw with Him after a normal Friday quickly turned into the worst day of our family's lives. Two years ago today, a normal sick visit to the doctor turned into a barrage of bloodwork. A normal, rainy Friday night turned into an emergency trip to the nearest children's hospital. A simple fever turned into a diagnosis of leukemia for our then 11-year old son. That sudden and unexpected road that our family was forced down made me feel like asking God tough questions was fair-game.
I should have known that my tough questions didn't phase my Heavenly Daddy. He let me act out and behave as if, for some strange reason, I deserved to have that deal upheld that I made with Him two years prior. He showed me heavenly grace like only He can and overlooked my tantrum until I was able to calmly rest in his embrace.
What I didn't realize was that what we went through in 2012 was merely a warm-up for 2014. Had we have not gone through the trauma of 2012, I don't think we would have been prepared for that rainy night on September 12, 2014. You see, God doesn't throw us into the deep end without first teaching us how to tread water. He taught me something so important in 2012, something that would be my saving grace in 2014. He taught me how to trust Him.
You see, up until then I never had to really trust Him. When things are good and life doesn't throw you any punches, there's no need to place complete trust in Him because you feel like everything is under control. Up until then I had trusted Him with my soul, but I hadn't trust Him with my life, and more importantly, with my child's life.
I found myself repetitively uttering the same phrase that I did in 2012 . . .
It became a habit. I'd say it
After meeting with the doctors . . .
after seeing the relentless effects of chemo . . .
and after seeing it slowly wear down the spirit of our daughter who was watching her brother so bravely fight this dreaded disease.
I uttered those words that God divinely placed in my soul in 2012. Wanna know the funny thing? I started to actually believe what I was saying! They became more than words. I wasn't saying them as a way to try to convince myself anymore. I was saying them because I knew that my God was able to be trusted. He had proven trustworthy, so I committed to fully trusting my child in His hands.
Verses like this one became my rally cry:
If I could tweak David's Psalm just a bit, I would write it to say this:
Have you ever laid the law down with God? You know . . . tell God what He really shouldn't dare do or allow to happen. Perhaps you are way more spiritual than I am, but in an effort to be transparent and honest, I have to admit that I have told God exactly what was fair game in my life and what was off limits.
In 2012, when I thought we had faced the worst year imaginable after enduring two miscarriages -- one at 18 weeks gestation -- I reasoned with God that losing a child that I had never held in my arms was such a devastating experience, so certainly my two healthy, life-filled children were my reminder to be grateful for what He had already blessed me with. Certainly we wouldn't be required to face anything worse than a broken bone or typical childhood illness with them. Certainly God would see that our perseverance through such pain deserved some sort of reward in the form of health and longevity for our two living children.
God, did you forget that deal we had?
God, did you forget to be merciful?
God . . . Why?
Those are questions that I have actually asked God. I felt like I had no other choice but to get completely raw with Him after a normal Friday quickly turned into the worst day of our family's lives. Two years ago today, a normal sick visit to the doctor turned into a barrage of bloodwork. A normal, rainy Friday night turned into an emergency trip to the nearest children's hospital. A simple fever turned into a diagnosis of leukemia for our then 11-year old son. That sudden and unexpected road that our family was forced down made me feel like asking God tough questions was fair-game.
I should have known that my tough questions didn't phase my Heavenly Daddy. He let me act out and behave as if, for some strange reason, I deserved to have that deal upheld that I made with Him two years prior. He showed me heavenly grace like only He can and overlooked my tantrum until I was able to calmly rest in his embrace.
What I didn't realize was that what we went through in 2012 was merely a warm-up for 2014. Had we have not gone through the trauma of 2012, I don't think we would have been prepared for that rainy night on September 12, 2014. You see, God doesn't throw us into the deep end without first teaching us how to tread water. He taught me something so important in 2012, something that would be my saving grace in 2014. He taught me how to trust Him.
You see, up until then I never had to really trust Him. When things are good and life doesn't throw you any punches, there's no need to place complete trust in Him because you feel like everything is under control. Up until then I had trusted Him with my soul, but I hadn't trust Him with my life, and more importantly, with my child's life.
I found myself repetitively uttering the same phrase that I did in 2012 . . .
"I will trust You."
It became a habit. I'd say it
After meeting with the doctors . . .
after seeing the relentless effects of chemo . . .
and after seeing it slowly wear down the spirit of our daughter who was watching her brother so bravely fight this dreaded disease.
I uttered those words that God divinely placed in my soul in 2012. Wanna know the funny thing? I started to actually believe what I was saying! They became more than words. I wasn't saying them as a way to try to convince myself anymore. I was saying them because I knew that my God was able to be trusted. He had proven trustworthy, so I committed to fully trusting my child in His hands.
Verses like this one became my rally cry:
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Psalm 143:8
If I could tweak David's Psalm just a bit, I would write it to say this:
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have FINALLY put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life, AND MY CHILD'S.
for I have FINALLY put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life, AND MY CHILD'S.
On this rainy night of September 12, I am so thankful to be on this side of the journey than where we were two years ago. I am thankful that we are about 16 months away from his last chemo treatment. That seems like an eternity on some days, but we've learned not to look much further than about a week ahead when on a cancer journey.
I'm also thankful that even though my boy has cancer, cancer doesn't have my boy. He doesn't want to be singled out -- as you've noticed I've not even mentioned his name -- and he wants to be treated like a normal 13 year-old kid. His perseverance and positive outlook has sustained us on days when being the parent of a sick kid stunk! We could write a book on everything we've learned from him.
As another September 12 draws to a close, I can't help but to thank my God one more time for being so good. I thank Him for His love, His peace, His big shoulders, but most importantly, for being a God who has proven worthy to be trusted time and time again.
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